Seriously News

Panic runs rampant as a new computer bug, nicknamed the “retro virus” spread across America at a devastating rate. This malignant software stops computer users from being able to use Mozilla Firefox, Opera and other popular web browsers. Instead, it forces the use of Internet Explorer 7.

“This is the most genius virus we’ve ever seen. By forcing everyone to start using IE, it has literally set technology back 100 years” said CNET editor Jai Lee. He added: “Imagine having to use a horse and buggie instead of your car”. The Director of the NSA recently declared it a national emergency, pointing out that “the entire U.S defense system is useless on Internet Explorer”.

The news is not bad for all, however. Apple announced that its Safari web browser was still 100% functional. The 6 mac users worldwide were ecstatic. It became rather embarrassing when rival giant Microsoft had to admit that it “was unable to process any requests due to internet browser issues”. An insider commented that “IE is basically a 3rd world product. Everyone around here stopped using it back when Firefox came out. We didn’t even know people still had it on their computers.”

A recent medical journal has released a publication on the possible benefits and repercussions of this epidemic. It points out that using the browser for more than 10 minutes has lead to several suicides and even more computer-related homicides. It has however, shown that the child obesity problem may be solved: “Sure these obese kids are lazy. But they’d rather be taken away to fat camp than surf the web on IE 7.”

Although internet business has virtually come to a halt, there are optimistic projections for the economy. Several of the administration top analysts foresee a huge industry boom in less than a week, as “millions of frustrated Americans buy new computers instead of using Internet Explorer”.

Lemon Snickers installed Linux to avoid using IE 7.

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama surprised his followers in today’s losing speech when he reprimanded New Hampshire voters: “I think it’s pretty obvious what went on in New Hampshire. Voters didn’t agree with my skin color”. Although initially shocked, the media responded with overwhelming agreement.

MSNBC has announced it will run a week long special called “New Hampshire: Advocates of Slavery?”. The New York Times speculated that the African-American candidate only lost because republicans were running a “black men like raising taxes” campaign. Fox News has in turn announced that it will be moving its headquarters to New Hampshire, because “those people have the right idea”.

When asked if he was overreacting to his defeat in New Hampshire, the Illinois senator replied with a simple: “Whatever. At least I’m not crying like a little bitch”.

Lemon Snickers would like to point out that although he has not yet voted for Barack Obama, he has several ethnic friends–therefore, he is not a racist.

President Bush shocked the world today by giving his most monumental statement on the war on terror since his “Mission Accomplished” speech. In a statement to Al-Qaeda networks, he stated: “All your base are belong to us“.

Apparently at 9:30AM this morning, President Bush became so enraged with the terrorist group that he claimed Iraqi property over the world as property of U.S.A, the NSA reports. When asked what provoked him, an inside source commented: “Apparently he found a video on youtube of Bin Laden calling him a p*ssy”.

President Bush ending his press conference in high spirits, quiping: “I shoulda done this way back. Who’s the p*ssy now?”. He added: “GG Al-Qaeda”.

Lemon Snickers is starting to wish he hadn’t invested in Iraqi getaway vacation houses

After selling off his Rocawear clothing line back in 2007 for over 200 million U.S, rap mogul Jay-Z (Sean Carter) has announced his intention to start another clothing line: No Homo Jeans. He held a press conference yesterday, laughing about his previous sale: “Rocawear was too fagg*t anyways…No Homo clothing is for all the real street thugs”.

When the new line was unveiled, the jeans appeared to be near identical to those of the Rocawear line. In fact, one bystander reports seeing the Rocawear stitching still in the pants. When asked what was different, the millionaire rapper replied: “You don’t get bitches wearing Rocawear. Y’all nigg*s wanna know how I got Beyonce? I was wearing No Homo Jeans all along. You wanna f*ck Beyonce? Wear these clothes”.

He ended the press conference with the new line’s slogan: “A man’s ass looks real f*ckable in these jeans…no homo”.

Lemon Snickers is hoping to be the spokesperson for the new line, even though he was featured in Calvin Klein’s last campaign: Undoubtedly gay, but still pretending to be straight.