As the president stated earlier today, “The economy has been slowly stealing jobs from Americans, hitting them where it hurts most. Today, I formally announce our mission to retaliate in full force”. He went on to say that the war would continue until “the American economy was irreversibly annihilated”.

Several critics have already claimed that this declaration is a publicity stunt, since it is well known that “Bush was waging war on the Economy since 2001″. Other detractors have stated that this will only “distract the President from his War on Affordable Healthcare”.

Making a direct plea to everyday Americans, the President stated: “My fellow Americans: are you not tired of being held hostage by our invisible enemy? Rising gas prices, home foreclosures, outsourcing of jobs–the economy is to blame. Join our fight to help us bring democracy to the American people”.

Presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were not available for comment. However, Senator McCain was quick to say he supports the President’s decision and “was the first one to suggest taking military action against the economy”. He also stated he was “willing to bomb Iran, if that helps”.

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Lemon Snickers sends his support to our troops on Wall Street, on the front lines.

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Paul announced the plan as part of his attempt to cut reckless spending out of the budget. It has quickly gained bipartisan support and is being hailed as: “The single greatest blow to pork barrel politics ever”.

There are those who are opposed. Senators Obama and Clinton came out against the proposal, both stating that: “Although the Chinese may be able to run the country more efficiently and effectively, they won’t be able to deliver inspirational speeches (on account of the language difference”.

This has however, been labeled as blatant propaganda, since recent studies have shown that the Chinese are able to score 15% higher on English language tests than Americans. Those who has never heard of English were only able to score 5% higher than Americans.

One thing is for sure; in 2008’s wacky presidential primaries, a simple bill by a revolutionary congressman could change the game entirely.

Lemon Snickers just hope he gets to keep his job

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“This is the line. This is where women get to make the shots, women get the be the decision makers and women get to control the democracy of this country”, Clinton urged females across America today. She added: “Bill isn’t getting any until I’m sure he’s voted for me”. The former president appeared relieved.

To truly hammer her message home, she has several females speak on her behalf. “Senator Clinton has really helped women advance. She has made me understand that women need to be treated equally; we need to be able to completely control the election to prevent sexism from electing Barack Obama.” said one young woman from Texas.

Although the news comes as a shock to most, a recent CNN polls showed that the majority of male democratic voters would rather turn gay than vote for Clinton.

Lemon Snickers is taking one for the country to vote for Obama

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He pointed out: “Many women were afraid of my inexperience, but they quickly lost their inhibitions once they realized my natural talents”. Joining Obama on stage were his wife and past girlfriends.

Even Oprah Winfrey, well reputed talk show host, professed Obama’s capabilities: “He has the ability to do what few men can. From the years we spent together in Chicago, he has been (and continues to be) my favorite politician”.

Even former president Bill Clinton admitted Obama “looked like he could get the job done”. He went on to say that his wife, Hillary Clinton, was “efficient, but not really mind blowing or anything”.

Lemon Snickers is donating to Obama’s campaign in exchange for lessons

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“Don’t get me wrong, black guys are my favorite,” commented one NES worker, “but I just really like Hillary. She reminds me of myself when I started turning tricks on the corner. She’s an inspiration, what with her being GTA IV’s prostitute and all”.

What really sold the highly respected service based company was Bill Clinton: “Financially, he was the best thing that ever happened to us. Married men around the country were so used to being chastised for cheating, it was huge for them to have the president as a role model” commented the NES president.

“Re-electing Bill and Hillary will really help convince people that getting some on the side is not so bad. Hell, if your wife lets you cheat on her, she could become president!” NES executives added.

While most endorsements carry little weight, the Escort Service lives up to its tagline about going above and beyond your wildest expectations: its workers will be out campaigning for Hillary by appealing to her much needed male base, supposedly offering half off discounts in exchange for guaranteed Clinton votes.

Lemon Snickers is starting to see how terrific of a candidate Hillary Clinton could be…

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In fact, it seems Edward’s was leveraging his dropping out to score some free air time. Indeed, he had the right idea: his supposedly last speech garnered more attention than all of his rallies, fund raisers and previous speeches combined.

He voiced that very same opinion tonight, declaring: “Ha ha America, made you look”. He added “Gotcha!”.

A recent CNN poll put out minutes after his announcement showed that 56% of all democratic voters now knew his name–a 47% increase from the previous poll, which heavily sampled his close relatives.

His obscurity seemed to peak late last week, when he accidentally voted for Hillary Clinton, remarking that he “didn’t even recognize my name on the ballot”.

Edwards’ fund raising problems have also been alleviated; his campaign reports donations in excess of $5 million at the news he was dropping out. “Everyone was so enthusiastic to hear I was gone, they just wanted to keep throwing money at me” he commented.

What seemed an improbable shot for the White House now seems to be a clearly paved road for the Southerner. He hopes to use his positive momentum and free air time to catapult himself ahead of his rivals come Super Tuesday.

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MSNBC has announced it will run a week long special called “New Hampshire: Advocates of Slavery?”. The New York Times speculated that the African-American candidate only lost because republicans were running a “black men like raising taxes” campaign. Fox News has in turn announced that it will be moving its headquarters to New Hampshire, because “those people have the right idea”.

When asked if he was overreacting to his defeat in New Hampshire, the Illinois senator replied with a simple: “Whatever. At least I’m not crying like a little bitch”.

Lemon Snickers would like to point out that although he has not yet voted for Barack Obama, he has several ethnic friends–therefore, he is not a racist.

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