Seriously News

After several months of meeting with his top economic and military strategists, President George W. Bush gave what many consider his last important press conference, in which he formally declared war on the American Economy.

As the president stated earlier today, “The economy has been slowly stealing jobs from Americans, hitting them where it hurts most. Today, I formally announce our mission to retaliate in full force”. He went on to say that the war would continue until “the American economy was irreversibly annihilated”.

Several critics have already claimed that this declaration is a publicity stunt, since it is well known that “Bush was waging war on the Economy since 2001″. Other detractors have stated that this will only “distract the President from his War on Affordable Healthcare”.

Making a direct plea to everyday Americans, the President stated: “My fellow Americans: are you not tired of being held hostage by our invisible enemy? Rising gas prices, home foreclosures, outsourcing of jobs–the economy is to blame. Join our fight to help us bring democracy to the American people”.

Presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were not available for comment. However, Senator McCain was quick to say he supports the President’s decision and “was the first one to suggest taking military action against the economy”. He also stated he was “willing to bomb Iran, if that helps”.

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Lemon Snickers sends his support to our troops on Wall Street, on the front lines.

In the 2008 US presidential race, each candidate has taken a hardline stance at protecting American jobs against the looming threat of outsourcing. The candidate should have spent a little more time protecting their future job–the presidency of America. Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) introduced legislations today that would require America to outsource the job of the president to China–where the selected individual will work for $6 (USD) for a four year term.

Paul announced the plan as part of his attempt to cut reckless spending out of the budget. It has quickly gained bipartisan support and is being hailed as: “The single greatest blow to pork barrel politics ever”.

There are those who are opposed. Senators Obama and Clinton came out against the proposal, both stating that: “Although the Chinese may be able to run the country more efficiently and effectively, they won’t be able to deliver inspirational speeches (on account of the language difference”.

This has however, been labeled as blatant propaganda, since recent studies have shown that the Chinese are able to score 15% higher on English language tests than Americans. Those who has never heard of English were only able to score 5% higher than Americans.

One thing is for sure; in 2008’s wacky presidential primaries, a simple bill by a revolutionary congressman could change the game entirely.

Lemon Snickers just hope he gets to keep his job

That Hillary Clinton is one of the most well known and influential women should come as no surprise. Finally, a true test of her power has arisen–in response to news that her lead all over the country is slipping, the New York Senator has urged fellow women to withhold sex from their male companions until they vote for her.

“This is the line. This is where women get to make the shots, women get the be the decision makers and women get to control the democracy of this country”, Clinton urged females across America today. She added: “Bill isn’t getting any until I’m sure he’s voted for me”. The former president appeared relieved.

To truly hammer her message home, she has several females speak on her behalf. “Senator Clinton has really helped women advance. She has made me understand that women need to be treated equally; we need to be able to completely control the election to prevent sexism from electing Barack Obama.” said one young woman from Texas.

Although the news comes as a shock to most, a recent CNN polls showed that the majority of male democratic voters would rather turn gay than vote for Clinton.

Lemon Snickers is taking one for the country to vote for Obama

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is starting to offer American voters a new reason to vote for him–his life long record of satisfaction. Obama spent most of today campaigning for Super Tuesday and introduced a new speech. In it, he details his long sexual past, in which he has fully satisfied women of all races and ages.

He pointed out: “Many women were afraid of my inexperience, but they quickly lost their inhibitions once they realized my natural talents”. Joining Obama on stage were his wife and past girlfriends.

Even Oprah Winfrey, well reputed talk show host, professed Obama’s capabilities: “He has the ability to do what few men can. From the years we spent together in Chicago, he has been (and continues to be) my favorite politician”.

Even former president Bill Clinton admitted Obama “looked like he could get the job done”. He went on to say that his wife, Hillary Clinton, was “efficient, but not really mind blowing or anything”.

Lemon Snickers is donating to Obama’s campaign in exchange for lessons

In a Democratic primary that is becoming increasingly focused on endorsements, Senator Hillary Clinton finally has one she can brag about–from the National Escort Service. The organization states it has been providing fairly priced, intimate loving for 20 years and many of its workers said they were able to relate to Clinton.

“Don’t get me wrong, black guys are my favorite,” commented one NES worker, “but I just really like Hillary. She reminds me of myself when I started turning tricks on the corner. She’s an inspiration, what with her being GTA IV’s prostitute and all”.

What really sold the highly respected service based company was Bill Clinton: “Financially, he was the best thing that ever happened to us. Married men around the country were so used to being chastised for cheating, it was huge for them to have the president as a role model” commented the NES president.

“Re-electing Bill and Hillary will really help convince people that getting some on the side is not so bad. Hell, if your wife lets you cheat on her, she could become president!” NES executives added.

While most endorsements carry little weight, the Escort Service lives up to its tagline about going above and beyond your wildest expectations: its workers will be out campaigning for Hillary by appealing to her much needed male base, supposedly offering half off discounts in exchange for guaranteed Clinton votes.

Lemon Snickers is starting to see how terrific of a candidate Hillary Clinton could be…

When John Edwards announced today he was dropping out of the Democratic bid for presidency, media pundits everywhere wasted no time is predicting which of his former rivals he would decide to endorse. The real twist came late this evening, when he finally decided to endorse his candidate of choice–himself.

In fact, it seems Edward’s was leveraging his dropping out to score some free air time. Indeed, he had the right idea: his supposedly last speech garnered more attention than all of his rallies, fund raisers and previous speeches combined.

He voiced that very same opinion tonight, declaring: “Ha ha America, made you look”. He added “Gotcha!”.

A recent CNN poll put out minutes after his announcement showed that 56% of all democratic voters now knew his name–a 47% increase from the previous poll, which heavily sampled his close relatives.

His obscurity seemed to peak late last week, when he accidentally voted for Hillary Clinton, remarking that he “didn’t even recognize my name on the ballot”.

Edwards’ fund raising problems have also been alleviated; his campaign reports donations in excess of $5 million at the news he was dropping out. “Everyone was so enthusiastic to hear I was gone, they just wanted to keep throwing money at me” he commented.

What seemed an improbable shot for the White House now seems to be a clearly paved road for the Southerner. He hopes to use his positive momentum and free air time to catapult himself ahead of his rivals come Super Tuesday.

After a decade, The Onion has announced it has corrected a computer error that has been detrimental to its reputation. The news source, known for its humorous parodies of real news, has stated that the ongoing problem has finally been addressed, when they located and closed an open <sarcasm> tag.

“It appears as though the initial programmers were poorly trained in HTML and left this tag open in all of our articles” commented Sasha Jenkins, The Onion’s PR specialist. “When the site first started, we didn’t understand why a simple news site was garnering so much attention. We kinda went with it and just kept writing”.

The error wasn’t realized until a writer wrote a staff memo about his wife being pregnant, only to have it delivered as a fake Christmas card featuring Frosty the snow man raping young children with a carrot penis.

When asked what was next for the once satirical website, editor Scott Dikkens replied: “Now The Onion can become the agricultural news network it was intended to be”, adding “I just hope farmers will forgive us after that piece about using hillbilly babies as fertilizer”.

Lemon Snickers is personally outraged that such an unreliable news source is allowed to exist.

In a bizarre press release, rapper Curtis Jackson (better known by his stage name, 50 Cent) has challenged Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama to a rap battle. For the many who are confused: a rap battle is a formal competition between two parties through use of rap insults.

Many have likened Mr. Jackson’s deceleration to the one he issued rival rapper Kanye West in September. 50 refutes: “This ain’t about sales and sh*t, this is real”. When asked why he would attack what could be the first black President he noted: “This n*gga supposed to be representing the black community right?! This motherf*cker is barely black! I seen his sh*t–no arrest record, writes books and no illegitimate children–how black is he?”.

The Obama camp has not commented on how they will handle this. If Barack shies away, he could alienate many of the urban and youth voters he is counting on. On the other hand, if he loses to 50 Cent, he may never live it down.

Although 50 Cent is well known in his industry, several high key rap artists have already begun their counter-attacks; Rapper The Game stated he will release a new mixtape that revolves around Jackson and Clinton have a love affair, while mogul Jay-Z offered to feature in Obama’s battle provided he endorses his No Homo Jeans.

Lemon Snickers once made the mistake of getting into a country battle.

People all around the world can breathe easy, announced President George W. Bush, as he has personally been pinky sworn by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that the nation will not pursue nuclear development.

“I know it’s hard to understand for us Americans,” said the commander-in-chief, “but in the Middle East, the legal system is so backed up they just pinky swear each other”.”It’s as good as a legal contract you know”, added the President, “I quite literally took the fate of the free world into my own hands and as a result, we have the most stable and binding peace plan the Middle East has ever seen”.

There have however, been speculations that Ahmadinejad may have negated the agreement by crossing his fingers: “This was an extremely bold foreign policy step for President Bush, but he made the amateur mistake of not pinky stamping” commented a foreign policy expert.

Media publications have become polarized over this event; Fox News nominated George Bush for a medal of bravery for “daring to negotiate with animals” while MSNBC stated ” Bush for fails to understand the repercussions associated with recklessly pinky swearing–the man’s got to learn to be civil”.

Some of the President’s right-wing base grew anxious over his meet with the Iranian leader, but he assured them: “This was the first and last time I touch halal meat”.

Lemon Snickers has had three separate pinky swears annulled by the state.

Rockstar Games–known for breaking all sorts of cultural boundaries– has shattered a new one. In a blog post press release, the maker of the hit Grand Theft Auto series announced that the prostitutes in the new game will look like democratic presidential candidate Hilary Clinton.

Clinton, who once cited the game as “the cause of World War II”, has long since been an advocate of censoring violent video games. When asked for her comment, she noted: “Being able to kill people in a virtual world is harmful to society. It’s why I spend all of my time in the Senate cleaning up video games instead of improving real life”.

The Rockstar team isn’t just stopping at looks; after intercourse with the hooker, the pseudo-Hilary asks “will you still vote for me?”. Upon being killed, she says with her last breath: “Now I’ll never get to be president!”.

Election analysts speculate that the recent news may help Hilary at the polls with youngsters. “This could be the first chance the younger demographic gets to really connect with her” commented one expert, adding “this could give her some street cred”.

Lemon Snickers was the inspiration for Nintendo’s Wario character, but fails to receive any royalty checks.

Note: Thanks to NGC’s xbox 360 for sale group who held our servers up during the massive digg invasion.